I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize