theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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