I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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