I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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