I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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