I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
