im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
