So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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