My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
