i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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