Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
