Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
