I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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