when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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