Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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