When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
