The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
