And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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