six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize