why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
