We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
