That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
