Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
