Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
