He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
