Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
