She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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