i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
