a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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