she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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