My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
