So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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