I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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