Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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