i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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