If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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