Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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