On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
