two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
