I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
