Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize