yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
