I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
