Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize