Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
