a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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