My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
