Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
