If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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