This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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