youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
