I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
