Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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