His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
