he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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