There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
