I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
