There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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