When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm like, not good at living.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
