So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
