I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Even my vagina gasped.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize